saturday!

i have to register today for university year 2, im not sure i want to lol...but i will....i am just not sure i want to do this for the rest of my life, i guess i just need to go through the motions for now. It might be feeling this because i am a bit nervous about the new placement, i really do not like starting in new placements at all, they really unbalance me for a week or two!. i really worry about what they will think when they see big fat me walking towards them :( but hey that wont be forever because i am GOING TO SUCCEED and be slim!

Well then after registration im going over to a mates for lunch with another mate, so i am a bit worried about the food i will be offered, but i am taking my son as a backup, if i dont want it he will back me up on it. I feel really focused at the moment on weight watchers i mean really in the zone!, i cant wait until monday i want to see how much i have lost, haha hopefully i have lost some, i know my motivation will snowball if i have it will be awesome! if i havent then i will have to recheck my points and recheck i am doing it right but one thing i am planning on not doing is giving up.

i start at the gym next week, wednesday at 9pm i have the routine sorted out for me, then away i go, my other son has also joined and hopefully together we can spur each other on to do this, i know he will nag me to go and i will nag him as well. Because hes only 14 he can only go at certain times of the day so it might be a bit limiting at times for us both, but also fun ...i cant wait! i have also challenged him to some wii fit challenges too, which i think will be fun and as we both get fitter hopefully can do some running on the wii fit together as well, right now he would win no question about it hahaha. I think also the walking at placement will help, i found my pedometer the other day so i am going to wear that when i am on shift on thew ward and see how far i actually walk in a day. hopefully notch up some bonus points there!

one last thing i wanted to mention or jot down should i say, is last night i felt really proud of myself, i had dinner about 4.30 way too early really, but lasted into the night with butter nut squash and suger free jelly, what a godsend they are, also have a ww rice pudding thing with jelly which was very yummy and actually very filling, i can belive how much better i am eating on ww, i hardly ever feel hungry, the kids get good balanced meals, i get more oganised, things just get better for us all, the house seems to get tidier i guess because i have more energy, i have the need to get up and do things now instead of sitting down, my skin also gets clear because of all the water. I just hope i can keep these good thoughts and use them when i am struggling because being on ww really does improve my whole life!

ok siging off for now, but i think i will make that a morning mantra "weight watchers really improves my whole life" yay go me!

phew thank god its thursday

last day was today at uni for the week, i register for year 2 on saturday and then start my next placement on monday...I am not sure how its going to go to be honest, i hate the start of a new placement i always get so nervous...i will let you know on that one.

Mood wise i am feeling better today, no crying today (laughs)...result eh! had a nice day at uni, the nurse who made me cry was there but everything was fine. I have been sticking to my weight watchers and it feels almost part of my routine already, i feel pretty focused atm i hope it lasts! I did do a sneaky peek this mornng and omg i said i had gained weight!! but logic says wait till next monday to weight myself and no more sneaky peeks for me. I must say i am loving the food when i am on weight watchers, i always eat so much better and more yummy. I am finding myself getting mroe orgainsed too, i have to get food ready and kids ready and uni stuff ready and etc etc you know the score, its not a bad thing. I had a wobble today and wodnered why on earth am i going into nursing as a career, on the way home i popped into tescos and thought to myself actually i am proud to be a nurse, i am proud i want to help people, but i am also going to start to help me as well!

dinner today is going to be yummy, although i have discovered that gammon steaks are high in points!, so this is probably one of the last times i will be having one of them for a while, maybe a once in a while treat, so yeap gammon and pineapple with jacket potato and veg going to be a lovely treat, also for lunch i made some BLT sandwiches with mattesons turkey rashers as a substitute, they were very yummy!
so yes this weight watchers as long as i have the food in the house and back ups in place for when im hungry ie sugar free jelly and BNS i think i am giivng myself a good chance of losing alot of weight! yay go me!

I think I found my motivation for now

I am still upset over the BLS incident, how sad is that, that someone can upset me so much over a comment about my weight. I would like to think I could give that lady credit in years to come for me being slimmer than I am today, but i wont.

Yeah she probably did me a favour, she gave me that impetus to start the diet, but the impeturs wasnt her words, it was her facial experession. That look of pity on her face haunts me, that someone can stand and look at me in pity, makes me questin how bad do i look?
we are taught in nursing to always be aware of your face... your expression can say so much more than words can. I will remmeber that expression forever and it has given me a goal, that is to never be like that nurse!

i have a few more tiems to add to mybonus for dieting list too:
to have normal periods again
to feel confident
to enjoy life
to not be that barriatric patient
to be the best at my job
to sort myself out
to have a new life
to get into my older smaller clothes

so anyway my goal is to never have anyone look at me in pity again, odd goal i know but that is what is spurring me on right now, i am hoping as i slim down that my goal will change and weight loss will spur me on.

Well today i have been tidying, i pulled out the computer and cleared all the crap behind it and then moved to the table and cleared that too just need to hoover a bit, sort out the bookcase then i am done! I would like to think that i am doing this because i have more energy and want to get my life organised, as last i am starting to sort out me, this nursing degree i think is much more than a career, i think its all for me. Sounds really selfish, but i have always wanted to be a nurse, and i have always wanted to be slim so here i am starting slimming when i am busy doing other things too, i am getting things that i want for a change now not what others want me to do.
This might not make sense to any reader out there, i tend to find it hard to do two things at once, i was either at work , or slimming and not at work. well this time i find it harder when i am at home, i am finding it easier to stick to it when i am busy and at work/uni. since i am going to be busy for the enxt 2 years i think i might be onto a winner!

so i might print out all my pros to losing weight, the list will contonue to grow i am sure. siging off for now!

still feel down

I still feel really tearful about the BLS incident, managed to stick to ww today, and im going to try and do some yoga tomorrow and get back into that.
I dont know wether to go to the gym before I have my routine sorted out for me next wednesday.
I keep trying to think of a fool proof concrete reason why I should stick to weight watchers and never give up, and i can think of many reasons why I should stick to it, but I have known these all along here are some of my reasons:

i will loook nicer
no one will pity me
i will find nicer clothes
i will be fitter
i will be able to move easier
i will be happier
i will be proud of myself
i will actually start to love myself
i will be able to wipe my bum in a normal position on the toilet
i will have more energy
i will look attractive again
i will no longer feel embarassed when i walk into new placements
i will be healthier
i will lower the risk of a heart attack/diabeties
i will be able to run
because i am worth it
my kids will be happier
i will have more energy
i will gain confidence

there is loads of reasons why i should stick to weight watchers, also I have to eat daily so why not eat good heathy food, i will just need to get myself orgainsed a bit to do it. right now i feel so unhappy about everything i wish i could bottle this feeling and keep it for when i feel like giving up so it keeps me on this weight watchers.

lets think of reasons what will happen if i dont do weight watchers:

i will gain even more weight
i will have to buy bigger clothes
i will have to get a bigger uniform
people will look at me with pity next year at clinical skills
i might have a heart attack
i might get diabeties
i will be unhappy
my kids will have a fat mum
i will not be able to run
i will find it harder to live a normal life
i will be the fat friend
people might not employ me
i will lack confidence
people think i am stupid

i just hope that as time goes on i will get a clear set goal in my head, i have always wanted to be able to run, and i have always been over weight so never tried for long, maybe now is the time to do this, i wanted to sign up for a marathon in 2011 but there is no singing up places yet for one, so maybe a sponsored a diet or something will help, i just need a goal to work to that will keep me focused. enough ramblings for now, its good to know i can moan for england here and get out my thoughts. signing off for the night!

a bad day - BLS

I have had a bad day today, my weight watchers hasnt gone to well up till now either!
well anyway today, i went to basic life support today and ended up in tears.
I was just too fat to get into the correct postion to hold the nose and blow into the dummies mouth, I had to get right down onto my elbows to do it. The nurse came over and saw I wasnt doing it right and basically said to me well you need to demonstrate to me you can do this, if you cantdo this then you cant pass...in other words I wont progress on the course!
so I found a way round my dilema hence right donw on my elbows, this is while the nurse looked on at me with a pitying look and I just wanted the room to swallow me up. So I then go in for the test to prove I can do this, and well thankfully I pass and she says well done, then has a chat with me about my weight. At which point I start to cry my eyes out and leave the room in tears where all my fellow nursing students are asking what is wrong. I drove home and went stright to the gym and signed up!
I feel so ashamed I am this size, and so fed up with being this size, the journey ahead just seems too big. I wish I knew why I dont take my health seriously..... I know im over weight, I know I am putting my life at risk, I know I would be happier slimmer, I know I would feel happier going to the gym, I know my kids want me to lose weight ....so why dont I do this? why does it never succeed? why do I not care about myself as much as I care about others?

My first week

Well here I go again doing this weight watchers malarky. My kids are at the stage just like everybody else is....which is the "oh no, not that again" stage and well they are probably justified to say that snce this is prbably my 100 time of starting weight watchers, although mos tof the time I dont get past day one never mind week one.

I have always struggled with my weight, even as a little girl you can always spot me, I was the fat kid in the school photos. I am now constantly asking myself "why me?" all the time, I see these slim girls who can appear to eat anything they want and stay stick thin, and I dream about how nice life would be if I had that kind of freedom. Having said that, I dont think it is a freedom I will ever get, I suddenly realise this is a life long thing, how depressing really to think that for the rest of my life, to stay thin I will need to point what I eat.

So here is my journey hopefully to success this time. This is how I decided to restart again, I was in univeristy the other day and they banter on about weight loss, smoking etc, it does get very umcomfortable when I am sitting there very obviously over weight to morbid obesity, (I am that bariatric patient, who is high risk heart disease). Well one day last week there we were there and this lady lecturer walked in and started to talk about rehab and motivation, well something she said hit me, she told me people who diet, (and give up smoking etc) never succeed the first time. They tend to take a few goes at it, but the main thing to do when motivating these people is to get them to keep trying. BINGO!..something swtiched in my head and here I am day 3 of weight watchers, and right now I promise I wont give up on myself ever again, because I think I can succeed if I keep trying. So my journey is here....please keep coming back because I will probably post alot about thoughts past life and hopefully get some piccies up too. Heres to success for us all, 2010 IS OUR YEAR!